[Skuld-chan]

I couldn't help myself!  

A Tazer Story
To give you some background information, Rex, the author of this story,
is in his mid 40's about 6'4 and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is
quite an intelligent person.

Dear Friends,
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again."
No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in
the near future.
 
Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.)
I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
gun with a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
you flee to safety.
The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to
safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant,
push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
If you've ! never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing out - way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
disappointed.
Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I
found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch
between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.
I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee.
I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain
to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
 
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second
and thought  better of it -She is such a sweet pup, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
time.
So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
Tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst woul! d purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
 
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
 
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed.
I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
(Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?)
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is
so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed
so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
 
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
*********!!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
yours tr! uly.)
 
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape.
My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
there???
My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
 
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.
I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large.
Miss 'em ..... sure would like to get 'em back

[Dreamseeker]

[I wonder what lies beyond that...]

Lol!!!

[Slade]

....totally unexpected, if only it was on camera...

[I wonder what lies beyond that...]

I also screamed dont do it... *he he he*